I can stand here
On April 5th, 2019
and honestly say that NONE of “this” was my fault.

I can stand here
at 25 years old
and honestly say that I feel sorry for my “little girl” self,
and I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

I can stand here
a teacher
and honestly say that I teach my students everything I wish someone had taught me.

I can stand here
a daughter
and say that I have acknowledged and digested that I am doing my best but that sometimes that doesn’t count.

I can stand here
a human being
and tell you that life is FUCKING HARD and painful and stupid and REALLY UNFAIR a majority of the time.

I can stand here
a victim
and tell you that it doesn’t get easier, you get wiser.

I can stand here
a girlfriend
and tell you that I will never feel good enough for you, even if you’re the one hurting me.

I can stand here
a survivor
and tell you that I may have survived one particular obstacle, but I am surviving other obstacles every day.

I can also stand here and tell you that I fall a lot.

I can stand here
overweight
scarred
lesbian
graduated
employed
alive

me…

I can stand here and know that I wasn’t enough.
That I’d never be enough, no matter how hard I tried.
My therapist tells me that it’s not my fault,
but the voice in my head tells me it is.

Took me a while to realize that the voice in my head was NOT my voice,
and that you really shouldn’t let people inside who weren’t invited.

I’m sorry I’m not what you had sketched out.
I’m sorry I’m not following the script.
I’m sorry she’s better than me, for reasons I can’t control.

I’m sorry we aren’t how we used to be.
I’m sorry I ever brought IT up.
I’m sorry I didn’t just listen to you.
Do what you said, be who you wanted.

 

OR

 

I can stand here and know that you were never going to be what I needed.
That you’d never get it, no matter how hard you tried.
Your therapist tells you that it’s my fault,
but the voice in my head tells me it’s not.

Took me a while to realize that there was a voice in my head that WAS me,
but it wasn’t speaking loud enough.

I’m not sorry that I grew up.
I’m not sorry that I learned how to write my own thoughts and opinions.
I’m not sorry for not being like her.

I’m not sorry that I’ve changed.
I’m not sorry for finding a shield and sward of my own.
I’m not sorry for being my own person.
Finally being who I always said I wanted to be.

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