This isn’t something I can just sleep off.
This isn’t something a snickers can mend.

I’m not grumpy
or mad at you.

I just am.

This is how I feel
and this is how I stand:
with a heavy heart and trembling hands.

This isn’t something new.
I’ve felt like this since I could feel.
Depression touched my heart before the ground touched my heel.

I never felt that I was good enough,
like I was never up to par.
And no one really noticed,
just kept pushing me harder and harder.

I was always good at sports, but not great.
I was always pretty without makeup on, but not beautiful.
I was always a good student, but not brilliant.
I was always most improved, not most valuable player.

And everyone let me know it- everyone pointed out my flaws.
Wanted to fix me, help me, change me: because they thought it was what I would want.

Have fun, but be polite.
Laugh, but not too loud.
Smile, but open your eyes.
Keep your back straight and don’t put your chin down.
Don’t eat too fast, actually don’t eat at all.
Pointed me in different directions: GPS overload.

I couldn’t take it, no.
I couldn’t breathe.
Say “it’s nice to see you” and I’d say “it’d be nice to see…”
To see from someone else’s eyes, to see not so harshly.
To stop seeing just black and white,
why discriminate?
This ain’t the 30’s.

Let put your glasses on, let me see in color.
Why are the only things we rely on, mirrors and mothers?
Both far too honest and both a little blurred.
Ask me how I got here and I’d say just ask her.

This isn’t who I want to be.
I’m not where I planned.
But if I’m being honest, it’s because I am who I am.

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